Zagreus sits inside your head...
Jun. 25th, 2007 06:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
charleygirlAs I spent most of yesterday listening to the marathon epic that is Zagreus and marvelling at PMG's incredible performance (which I didn't properly appreciate on my first listening nearly four years ago), I thought I would post the fic that I wrote almost directly after hearing it for the first time, back in 2003.
Eighth Doctor and Charley, set right after Zagreus ends.
Eighth Doctor and Charley, set right after Zagreus ends.
DISCOVERY
That was that, then.
He pushed the final lever home; the ancient engines of the TARDIS ground into life for one last time.
The final journey.
No turning back.
This was the end.
The Doctor leaned heavily on the wooden ledge of the console as the ship’s familiar wheezing and groaning died away.
What had he done?
As the TARDIS breached the barrier between the universes, the finality of it hit him at last: he couldn’t go back. To return home, to the continuum in which he belonged, was impossible. There lay madness, and absolute certainty of death. Romana had meant it when she had told him that, if he tried to return, she would have to kill him.
He couldn’t help laughing, though there was no mirth behind it. As if the threat of death would matter! Once the anti-time took over once more, distorted and moulded his being, he – the Doctor – would already be dead.
Only Zagreus would remain.
Zagreus.
He could still feel it, the voice, whispering somewhere in the deep, dark, recesses of his mind. The madness still remained, despite the zero matter from the TARDIS. This was the only possible course of escape.
Without him, without the threat he now posed to it, the universe – his universe – could continue safely. He might not be there to fight the monsters any longer, but there were those he had left behind, those who would continue to fight the good fight without him: Leela, Alistair, Benny…Charley.
Charley.
At least, with him gone, she would be able to live her life as she should have done before his interference. The paradox of her existence had been solved: she could go home, continue as though she had never met him.
That was one thing he could feel proud of, something that made the sacrifice worthwhile.
He might die, but Charley would live, and go on living, in a universe freed from the danger he now embodied.
He looked up, glanced at the destination monitor – it was blank. Unsurprising – how could the TARDIS hope to function in a universe without time, without a vortex for her to travel? There would be nowhere from which she could draw power, no Eye of Harmony, no Gallifrey. Just like him, she would be an anomaly. And just like him, she would eventually die.
The Doctor shivered.
Which one of them would be the first to go, all alone in a universe they could never call home?
***
It was unsettling, the silence.
The time rotor moved, but there was no sound.
Even the clocks had stopped, the soothing melody of ticks and chimes deafeningly absent.
Familiarity had vanished.
And the Doctor was afraid.
***
Behind him, sudden in the quiet, came a footstep.
He jumped, not daring to turn.
There was only him, him and the TARDIS. They had left everything else behind.
Who could be standing there? A ghost? A monster?
Another footstep.
He hadn’t imagined it, then. He had hoped that maybe his mind, finally cracking under the strain, was playing tricks. Not so, it seemed.
He stiffened, still not turning round.
“Who’s there?” he demanded, his voice sounding alarmingly small and scared.
“It’s all right,” said a voice, a voice he’d heard before, a voice he never expected to hear again. “It’s all right, it’s only me.”
The Doctor spun round – she was standing in the doorway to the library, silhouetted in the light from the standard lamp, her blonde hair picked out in gold.
Surely she couldn’t be real? He had left her with Romana, left her on Gallifrey, forbidden her to come…
Surely she couldn’t have been that stupid?
He stared at her in disbelief. “…Charley?”
***
He was standing by the console, staring at her in amazement.
To look at, you wouldn’t have thought him a hero, a man who gave monsters nightmare, but he was. A Time Lord, a guardian of good and right, of tea and toast and all the good things in life. To look at, you would have thought him just a man, not a tall or particularly impressive man, rather slight with kind eyes and untidy hair. Without his heavy velvet coat he seemed peculiarly vulnerable, his sleeves rolled up and his cravat missing.
You would never have guessed he had a monster of his own hiding in his head.
He’d forbidden her to come, said some horrible things that she didn’t like to think about. She couldn’t truthfully tell whether it was the Doctor or Zagreus talking. He’s been angry, and understandably so - betrayed by everyone he cared about, even his beloved ship, infected by the same anti-time that had turned him into…into…
Charley had seen Zagreus, and had no desire to meet him again. No one could have imagined something so far removed from the kind, gentle, wonderful man who had rescued her from a burning airship, the man who had told her he loved her.
She couldn’t leave him, even though he had told her to. He had chosen to exile himself from everything he knew, send himself to certain death, and all for her. It was her fault he had the monster inside him. She was damned if he was going to do it alone.
Charley, as a girl of fourteen or so, had been an avid reader of romantic adventures, and one thing she had learned from them was that you never abandoned someone you loved.
***
The Doctor was still staring at her.
Charley remembered the same, darkened room, what seemed like a lifetime ago, remembered seeing the man she knew disappear, replaced by the most malevolent creature she had ever seen… remembered him trying to kill her…
He seemed to have trouble speaking. Eventually, he choked out, “What… what’re you doing here?”
She stepped a little closer. “I couldn’t leave you. I couldn’t let you do this alone.”
He shook his head fiercely. “No. No, no, no. This is wrong. This is not how it was supposed to be.”
Charley kept walking, holding out her hands to him. “I wanted to be with you.”
“NO!!” he shouted, startling her. “You stupid, stupid girl!! You’ve ruined everything!”
Suddenly cold, Charley stepped back from him. He moved, swiftly, putting the console between them.
Above the console, the time rotor came to its final, juddering halt.
They had arrived.
No going back.
And for the first time, Charley Pollard wondered whether she had done the right thing.
FIN
That was that, then.
He pushed the final lever home; the ancient engines of the TARDIS ground into life for one last time.
The final journey.
No turning back.
This was the end.
The Doctor leaned heavily on the wooden ledge of the console as the ship’s familiar wheezing and groaning died away.
What had he done?
As the TARDIS breached the barrier between the universes, the finality of it hit him at last: he couldn’t go back. To return home, to the continuum in which he belonged, was impossible. There lay madness, and absolute certainty of death. Romana had meant it when she had told him that, if he tried to return, she would have to kill him.
He couldn’t help laughing, though there was no mirth behind it. As if the threat of death would matter! Once the anti-time took over once more, distorted and moulded his being, he – the Doctor – would already be dead.
Only Zagreus would remain.
Zagreus.
He could still feel it, the voice, whispering somewhere in the deep, dark, recesses of his mind. The madness still remained, despite the zero matter from the TARDIS. This was the only possible course of escape.
Without him, without the threat he now posed to it, the universe – his universe – could continue safely. He might not be there to fight the monsters any longer, but there were those he had left behind, those who would continue to fight the good fight without him: Leela, Alistair, Benny…Charley.
Charley.
At least, with him gone, she would be able to live her life as she should have done before his interference. The paradox of her existence had been solved: she could go home, continue as though she had never met him.
That was one thing he could feel proud of, something that made the sacrifice worthwhile.
He might die, but Charley would live, and go on living, in a universe freed from the danger he now embodied.
He looked up, glanced at the destination monitor – it was blank. Unsurprising – how could the TARDIS hope to function in a universe without time, without a vortex for her to travel? There would be nowhere from which she could draw power, no Eye of Harmony, no Gallifrey. Just like him, she would be an anomaly. And just like him, she would eventually die.
The Doctor shivered.
Which one of them would be the first to go, all alone in a universe they could never call home?
***
It was unsettling, the silence.
The time rotor moved, but there was no sound.
Even the clocks had stopped, the soothing melody of ticks and chimes deafeningly absent.
Familiarity had vanished.
And the Doctor was afraid.
***
Behind him, sudden in the quiet, came a footstep.
He jumped, not daring to turn.
There was only him, him and the TARDIS. They had left everything else behind.
Who could be standing there? A ghost? A monster?
Another footstep.
He hadn’t imagined it, then. He had hoped that maybe his mind, finally cracking under the strain, was playing tricks. Not so, it seemed.
He stiffened, still not turning round.
“Who’s there?” he demanded, his voice sounding alarmingly small and scared.
“It’s all right,” said a voice, a voice he’d heard before, a voice he never expected to hear again. “It’s all right, it’s only me.”
The Doctor spun round – she was standing in the doorway to the library, silhouetted in the light from the standard lamp, her blonde hair picked out in gold.
Surely she couldn’t be real? He had left her with Romana, left her on Gallifrey, forbidden her to come…
Surely she couldn’t have been that stupid?
He stared at her in disbelief. “…Charley?”
***
He was standing by the console, staring at her in amazement.
To look at, you wouldn’t have thought him a hero, a man who gave monsters nightmare, but he was. A Time Lord, a guardian of good and right, of tea and toast and all the good things in life. To look at, you would have thought him just a man, not a tall or particularly impressive man, rather slight with kind eyes and untidy hair. Without his heavy velvet coat he seemed peculiarly vulnerable, his sleeves rolled up and his cravat missing.
You would never have guessed he had a monster of his own hiding in his head.
He’d forbidden her to come, said some horrible things that she didn’t like to think about. She couldn’t truthfully tell whether it was the Doctor or Zagreus talking. He’s been angry, and understandably so - betrayed by everyone he cared about, even his beloved ship, infected by the same anti-time that had turned him into…into…
Charley had seen Zagreus, and had no desire to meet him again. No one could have imagined something so far removed from the kind, gentle, wonderful man who had rescued her from a burning airship, the man who had told her he loved her.
She couldn’t leave him, even though he had told her to. He had chosen to exile himself from everything he knew, send himself to certain death, and all for her. It was her fault he had the monster inside him. She was damned if he was going to do it alone.
Charley, as a girl of fourteen or so, had been an avid reader of romantic adventures, and one thing she had learned from them was that you never abandoned someone you loved.
***
The Doctor was still staring at her.
Charley remembered the same, darkened room, what seemed like a lifetime ago, remembered seeing the man she knew disappear, replaced by the most malevolent creature she had ever seen… remembered him trying to kill her…
He seemed to have trouble speaking. Eventually, he choked out, “What… what’re you doing here?”
She stepped a little closer. “I couldn’t leave you. I couldn’t let you do this alone.”
He shook his head fiercely. “No. No, no, no. This is wrong. This is not how it was supposed to be.”
Charley kept walking, holding out her hands to him. “I wanted to be with you.”
“NO!!” he shouted, startling her. “You stupid, stupid girl!! You’ve ruined everything!”
Suddenly cold, Charley stepped back from him. He moved, swiftly, putting the console between them.
Above the console, the time rotor came to its final, juddering halt.
They had arrived.
No going back.
And for the first time, Charley Pollard wondered whether she had done the right thing.
FIN
